Three kids is really hard. Someone always needs your time and attention... ALWAYS. As I write this I can hear Miles stirring from his crib and Claire has interrupted me 4 times in that last 2 sentences. There seems to be no time left for me or my relationship with my husband. I don't feel like I can balance it all. The demands of breastfeeding, playing with and disciplining a 9 and 4 year old. Dinner making. House cleaning. Trips to the doc and dentist. Puzzle putting together. At the end of the day, some days, I just want to cry. Then I feel guilty for not being blissfully happy 100% of the time.
Where did all this pressure come from? It feels like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions and all I want to do is get some rest. Sleep all day. Go 5 hours without someone needing something from me. I want to be selfish. Yes yes I know... I had 3 kids. What did I expect?
My point is ... my children and my life are wonderful but I still feel the way I described above. Honesty people! Parenting, working, life in general is not a bed of roses. Its hard. Sometimes you want to walk away, straight down 64 all the way to California.
Right now Claire is singing "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" in her most high pitched singing voice and while it's music to my ears, don't judge me because at times I'd rather be listening to the new Jack White album.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I will be a more patient mom. I will be loving and slow to anger... until Claire pitches a t-total fit over wearing perfectly appropriate, nothing in the world wrong with them, stylish old navy jeans. If it were up to her it would be dresses and skirts all day every day (with tiaras and pearls). Oh sweet Claire... how I love how uniquely quirky you are. Your fashion sense, your silly phrases, your big heart, but I do wish you weren't so hard headed.
So, today started with a fit, a sore throat, and ham and cheese crescent rolls. What will the rest of the day hold? VA paperwork for a Mental Health clinical that starts in January. Unless you're this guy...
This guys is gonna snooze, eat, and be irresistibly adorable all day.
Unrelated but totally cool. Below is the Hardee advent calender my mother in law gave me. I love this thing. Its been in the family since my husband was a child. I have mixed feelings about advent calenders since I'm usually 3 weeks behind schedule on all thing Christmas, but this one I love. The kids dig it too. Each day they get to hang another ornament on the tree. Thanks Grandmama.
So, today started with a fit, a sore throat, and ham and cheese crescent rolls. What will the rest of the day hold? VA paperwork for a Mental Health clinical that starts in January. Unless you're this guy...
This guys is gonna snooze, eat, and be irresistibly adorable all day.
Unrelated but totally cool. Below is the Hardee advent calender my mother in law gave me. I love this thing. Its been in the family since my husband was a child. I have mixed feelings about advent calenders since I'm usually 3 weeks behind schedule on all thing Christmas, but this one I love. The kids dig it too. Each day they get to hang another ornament on the tree. Thanks Grandmama.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Man I suck at blogging.
What a hard year this has been. I feel like I've been continuously kicked in the stomach since November 2011.
Ever met a man who would do anything for you? The shirt off his back? His last dime? Complete bathroom remodel when you simply asked to borrow his wall paper remover steamer?
Quiet but talkative? Simple but extraordinary? Loving but stern? ... I knew a man like that and I was lucky to have him in my life for a little over 5 years. It wasn't near long enough and I still can't make sense of it all.
Grief is definitely a process. For the most part I was in denial. I'm a nurse. I read the statistics. I heard Stage 4, but I could not allow myself to believe that we would lose him. I mean, we needed him. Who would we call and talk to about mortgages, job changes, credit card debt, home repairs, kid raising, marriage mending? He knew a lot about everything and he was always willing to share what he'd learned over the years. Always willing to help us, to help anyone.
I prayed a lot this past year. Sometimes I'd pray everyday all day long. It would always be the same prayer. I would ask God to heal him, to take the cancer away, to allow us good news with the most recent CT scan.
My relationship with God took a hit. When my prayers would go unanswered I asked the selfish questions. Why God? Why him? Why now? It's taken me until now to realize that none of this will ever make sense. This situation will never be fair. All we can do is continue to pray for strength. Not answers. The only answer is that everyone who met him was touched by him and I am a far better person because I knew him.
I miss him. Some days I can't even say his name without tearing up. Claire misses him. She looks for reassurance that Pawpaw can see her. "Will he see me at my play momma?" "Can he hear me? I love you Pawpaw." (as she looks up at the sky)
Everyday since he's been gone is a struggle.
I know he would not want us to be sad. I know he would want us to love each other and live the life he would have continued to live if given the chance.
I believe that was the hardest part for him. Not the sickness, the pain, the swelling, the nausea and vomiting, the weakness, or the unknown. The hardest part was the thought that he wouldn't be able to see his kids and grand kids continue to grow and that we would all be heartbroken when he was gone, which we all are.
Our son, William- Mark Miles Hardee, was born 2 days after my father in law died. His sweet little face is the shining light during this dark time. God knew that we needed Miles. God knew that if it were time to call my father in law home we would need Miles to help us through.
Miles is a treasure just like his sisters. He reminds me of his Pawpaw. He's pleasant. Quiet and curious. He's taught me a lot about parenting in these past 2 months. One very important lesson learned is to change that diaper quick. My love just keeps on growing for this little guy and his sisters.
Losing my father in law makes me want to be a better person. I want to be someone he would be proud of. I want to cherish every precious, fleeting moment with my family. Especially when life gets crazy, when things aren't easy and everyday seems to have a huge rain cloud hanging overhead. So I'm working on that. Being positive, counting my blessings, and trying to be a little bit better of a person than I was the day before.
I've got a lot of work to do.
What a hard year this has been. I feel like I've been continuously kicked in the stomach since November 2011.
Ever met a man who would do anything for you? The shirt off his back? His last dime? Complete bathroom remodel when you simply asked to borrow his wall paper remover steamer?
Quiet but talkative? Simple but extraordinary? Loving but stern? ... I knew a man like that and I was lucky to have him in my life for a little over 5 years. It wasn't near long enough and I still can't make sense of it all.
Grief is definitely a process. For the most part I was in denial. I'm a nurse. I read the statistics. I heard Stage 4, but I could not allow myself to believe that we would lose him. I mean, we needed him. Who would we call and talk to about mortgages, job changes, credit card debt, home repairs, kid raising, marriage mending? He knew a lot about everything and he was always willing to share what he'd learned over the years. Always willing to help us, to help anyone.
I prayed a lot this past year. Sometimes I'd pray everyday all day long. It would always be the same prayer. I would ask God to heal him, to take the cancer away, to allow us good news with the most recent CT scan.
My relationship with God took a hit. When my prayers would go unanswered I asked the selfish questions. Why God? Why him? Why now? It's taken me until now to realize that none of this will ever make sense. This situation will never be fair. All we can do is continue to pray for strength. Not answers. The only answer is that everyone who met him was touched by him and I am a far better person because I knew him.
I miss him. Some days I can't even say his name without tearing up. Claire misses him. She looks for reassurance that Pawpaw can see her. "Will he see me at my play momma?" "Can he hear me? I love you Pawpaw." (as she looks up at the sky)
Everyday since he's been gone is a struggle.
I know he would not want us to be sad. I know he would want us to love each other and live the life he would have continued to live if given the chance.
I believe that was the hardest part for him. Not the sickness, the pain, the swelling, the nausea and vomiting, the weakness, or the unknown. The hardest part was the thought that he wouldn't be able to see his kids and grand kids continue to grow and that we would all be heartbroken when he was gone, which we all are.
Our son, William- Mark Miles Hardee, was born 2 days after my father in law died. His sweet little face is the shining light during this dark time. God knew that we needed Miles. God knew that if it were time to call my father in law home we would need Miles to help us through.
Miles is a treasure just like his sisters. He reminds me of his Pawpaw. He's pleasant. Quiet and curious. He's taught me a lot about parenting in these past 2 months. One very important lesson learned is to change that diaper quick. My love just keeps on growing for this little guy and his sisters.
Losing my father in law makes me want to be a better person. I want to be someone he would be proud of. I want to cherish every precious, fleeting moment with my family. Especially when life gets crazy, when things aren't easy and everyday seems to have a huge rain cloud hanging overhead. So I'm working on that. Being positive, counting my blessings, and trying to be a little bit better of a person than I was the day before.
I've got a lot of work to do.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thankful Thursday
I'm thankful for this guy and his never ending support. Kevin and I are trying to move forward in our plans to have a home that will accommodate my grandfather. This is so important to me because my grandfather has shown me nothing but unconditional love and support since the day I was born. I would love nothing more than to be able to help him in any way possible and I feel he would be such a positive influence on our girls. Anyone who knows me, knows that my Pawpaw is my world. I'm thankful that my loving husband understands this and supports and nurtures my relationship with him. Kev adores him too. We all do. Everybody who meets him adores him... He's perfect.
I'm also thankful for my glasses :)
I realize this may sound silly, but I took my glasses for granted until I lost them for almost 2 months. I had to have Ava read to me because I couldn't see a thing. It was sad. I particularly like this pair because they're durable and I often get compliments about how cute they are. These were only 129.00 and my insurance paid for all of it. One of the stones on the side fell out but Guess replaced the entire frame and I haven't had a problem since.
I'm also thankful for ...
This cooking set Misty gave me for my wedding. I absolutely love these pots and pans. They're so easy to clean and since my previous pots and pans were hand me downs and falling apart, having these is great. They're cuisinart and all stainless steel.
and I'm thankful I have a job.
It's not easy working every weekend and often times I'm overwhelmed with the 37 dementia and alzheimer patients I'm responsible for, but I love my job. I can't complain. This job allows me to have four days off a week with my girls. They are asleep while I'm at work except for about 6 hours of my 32 hour work week.
Hard work never hurt anyone. My grandpa worked in the sun until he was 72 years old and even went 53 days with no off day. I've never worked more than 7 consecutive days. I've got it pretty easy. :)
I'm also thankful for my glasses :)
I realize this may sound silly, but I took my glasses for granted until I lost them for almost 2 months. I had to have Ava read to me because I couldn't see a thing. It was sad. I particularly like this pair because they're durable and I often get compliments about how cute they are. These were only 129.00 and my insurance paid for all of it. One of the stones on the side fell out but Guess replaced the entire frame and I haven't had a problem since.
I'm also thankful for ...
This cooking set Misty gave me for my wedding. I absolutely love these pots and pans. They're so easy to clean and since my previous pots and pans were hand me downs and falling apart, having these is great. They're cuisinart and all stainless steel.
and I'm thankful I have a job.
It's not easy working every weekend and often times I'm overwhelmed with the 37 dementia and alzheimer patients I'm responsible for, but I love my job. I can't complain. This job allows me to have four days off a week with my girls. They are asleep while I'm at work except for about 6 hours of my 32 hour work week.
Hard work never hurt anyone. My grandpa worked in the sun until he was 72 years old and even went 53 days with no off day. I've never worked more than 7 consecutive days. I've got it pretty easy. :)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Bang On The Drum
This has been an exciting month for our family. God has answered our prayers and Kevin is now the newest employee at Memphis Drum Shop.
Prior to landing his dream job he was moving furniture and handling collections for a rent to own company in Memphis. The job he had was extremely stressful and physically demanding. Kevin has ankylosing spondylitis which is a long-term disease that causes inflammation of the joints between the spinal bones, and the joints between the spine and pelvis. It's very painful and the stress of his previous job exacerbated his condition. The job required 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Some days he would only be able to spend 15 minutes with our kids before they had to go off to bed. We were never able to eat dinner together as a family, Kevin was unable to commit to his band and practice, and the thought of church on Wednesday nights seemed completely unattainable. All that has changed now!
Kevin absolutely loves his new position. Our family eats dinner together every night. (which sometimes isn't all that great cause I'm the one cooking) :) The band is back in action and looking for a singer and Kevin is so thrilled to be doing what he loves.
The people he works for are down to earth and passionate about the work they do. Memphis Drum Shop has always been a treasure in our eyes. We had the pleasure of taking our engagement photos there last year and we absolutely loved how they turned out. If you've never been there, you should go! Even if you're not a musician the store is beautiful and truly a sight to see.
I want to thank our friends and family who prayed for Kevin about his new job. Without the love and support of you all, and the blessings of the Lord, we would be lost.
If ever anyone deserved to be in a position they love it's Kevin. He has been, and continues to be, such an amazing husband and father and I'm so thankful that he now has a job he loves...
Prior to landing his dream job he was moving furniture and handling collections for a rent to own company in Memphis. The job he had was extremely stressful and physically demanding. Kevin has ankylosing spondylitis which is a long-term disease that causes inflammation of the joints between the spinal bones, and the joints between the spine and pelvis. It's very painful and the stress of his previous job exacerbated his condition. The job required 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Some days he would only be able to spend 15 minutes with our kids before they had to go off to bed. We were never able to eat dinner together as a family, Kevin was unable to commit to his band and practice, and the thought of church on Wednesday nights seemed completely unattainable. All that has changed now!
Kevin absolutely loves his new position. Our family eats dinner together every night. (which sometimes isn't all that great cause I'm the one cooking) :) The band is back in action and looking for a singer and Kevin is so thrilled to be doing what he loves.
The people he works for are down to earth and passionate about the work they do. Memphis Drum Shop has always been a treasure in our eyes. We had the pleasure of taking our engagement photos there last year and we absolutely loved how they turned out. If you've never been there, you should go! Even if you're not a musician the store is beautiful and truly a sight to see.
I want to thank our friends and family who prayed for Kevin about his new job. Without the love and support of you all, and the blessings of the Lord, we would be lost.
If ever anyone deserved to be in a position they love it's Kevin. He has been, and continues to be, such an amazing husband and father and I'm so thankful that he now has a job he loves...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
I'm not so good at this blogging thing ...
So Christmas came and went ...
and New Years and Valentine's Day ... I haven't blogged as much as I would like but as everyone knows life keeps you pretty busy.
Ava was in a play at BPAC in January. She played the part of a lobster in Missoula Children's Theatre's production of Alice in Wonderland. We were so proud of our little actress. So many of our friends and family came to support her and it was an amazing feeling to see how much people care. Ava and Claire are such lucky little girls.
In other "Ava" news ...
She was tested at school and apparently is reading at a 5th grade level. When her aunts found this out Ava was supplied with lots of books to nurture her love to read. Thanks Aunt Jen and Aunt Skit. We love you guys. Here are some of Ava's Top Picks ...
Claire, our energetic 2 year old, is doing great! The highlight of her past couple of months, without a doubt, was BARNEY LIVE!!!
We've never seen Claire so excited and we've got the cotton candy photos to prove it...
This last shot is Claire talking to Grandmama... moments away from a sugar coma.
Also, I am happy to report that Claire has stopped taking a pacifier. Taking it away was definitely difficult, but she is such a resilient little girl that she bounced back in no time. We still have moments, at night, where she'll ask for her "pap pie" but we redirect her and "usually" she's fine. These girls continually make me proud at how smart and strong they are.
Kevin and I are doing great. Even though Kevin is super busy with work and being a dad, he still finds time to make me feel special. We're trying to remember to make time for each other. Luckily, his family helps with the girls so that occasionally we can sneak in a date night. I'm still amazed every time I think about how blessed I am to have my little family.
I would like to take a moment to ask that whoever is reading this please say a prayer for my aunt, June Parrino. She is fighting for her life in Baton Rouge, La. I've been praying daily for her recovery and I am hopeful that the Lord will return her to us from these struggles strong and healthy.
and New Years and Valentine's Day ... I haven't blogged as much as I would like but as everyone knows life keeps you pretty busy.
Ava was in a play at BPAC in January. She played the part of a lobster in Missoula Children's Theatre's production of Alice in Wonderland. We were so proud of our little actress. So many of our friends and family came to support her and it was an amazing feeling to see how much people care. Ava and Claire are such lucky little girls.
In other "Ava" news ...
She was tested at school and apparently is reading at a 5th grade level. When her aunts found this out Ava was supplied with lots of books to nurture her love to read. Thanks Aunt Jen and Aunt Skit. We love you guys. Here are some of Ava's Top Picks ...
We've never seen Claire so excited and we've got the cotton candy photos to prove it...
This last shot is Claire talking to Grandmama... moments away from a sugar coma.
Also, I am happy to report that Claire has stopped taking a pacifier. Taking it away was definitely difficult, but she is such a resilient little girl that she bounced back in no time. We still have moments, at night, where she'll ask for her "pap pie" but we redirect her and "usually" she's fine. These girls continually make me proud at how smart and strong they are.
Kevin and I are doing great. Even though Kevin is super busy with work and being a dad, he still finds time to make me feel special. We're trying to remember to make time for each other. Luckily, his family helps with the girls so that occasionally we can sneak in a date night. I'm still amazed every time I think about how blessed I am to have my little family.
I would like to take a moment to ask that whoever is reading this please say a prayer for my aunt, June Parrino. She is fighting for her life in Baton Rouge, La. I've been praying daily for her recovery and I am hopeful that the Lord will return her to us from these struggles strong and healthy.
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