I'm no good at blogging. Who wants to read this trash anyway? It's funny how much your perspective can change in just a few short years. How self righteous to think someone would care what I'm doing on any given day. And those descriptions of my kids. Geez. It all just makes me want to vomit. My time would be better spent not writing this garbage and your time will certainly be better spent not reading it.

A Balancing Act

I cannot dwell on the fact that I average 2 posts a year. I must forget my failed attempts at blogging and jump right in ....

This morning I set small goals for myself and completed them. The goals consisted of making the girls lunches, getting through the morning without yelling, and offering each of my three children 5 physical signs of affection... These goals may be simple for the average pinterest supermom, but for me, I knew this would be a challenge.

I made their lunches with only a few hurdles. One being the fact that we only had enough loaded baked potato pringles for one lunch, and I had two lunches to prepare. I went to the girls expecting a fight about who was to have pringles that day, but instead, Ava politely said, "Claire, you can have them." ... I was thrilled about this small act of cooperation and selflessness. I hugged Ava and told her good job. My second hurdle was Miles. As I was spreading mayo and cutting up strawberries, he was playing in the dogs water/food bowl and eating old macaroni noodles that he found under our kitchen cabinets. Distraction doesn't work for this kids. He is nothing if he isn't persistent. Ava and Claire came to the rescue to watch him while I finished the lunches. One goal complete.

The hugging came easy once I made a conscious effort to do more of this. They each got a hug and a kiss to say good morning. I hugged them both when they got out of the car to go to school. I rubbed Ava's shoulders as she did her hair. Claire got a massage as she brushed her teeth. I was surprised at how many opportunities there were throughout the morning to offer my children affection. This will be a goal everyday from now on. Miles gets more than 5 physical signs of affection because of his age. I, of course, pick him up and change his diaper, snuggle, cuddle, and kiss him multiple times throughout the day. It's harder with the girls and I will make more of an effort. I hope I'm a better hugger than blogger.


No yelling. All I can say is Rome wasn't built in a day. I did less yelling, but no yelling was a goal I did not meet this morning. I was surprised at how many opportunities there were throughout the morning to yell at my children. The horrific state of their closet, the lipstick the 5 year old slathered on before school, the oldest child's refusal to dress in clothes that are weather appropriate. The boy torturing the dog and eating old macaroni. The bathroom sink with blue toothpaste smeared from one side to the other. The clothes left on the bathroom floor after Ava's shower. The cereal bowl left in her room after her breakfast. The fact that she ate breakfast in her room instead of at the kitchen table.....


A healthy balance is what life is all about.

I will hug more, blog more, yell less, and make more lunches.

3 kids = chaos

Three kids is really hard. Someone always needs your time and attention... ALWAYS. As I write this I can hear Miles stirring from his crib and Claire has interrupted me 4 times in that last 2 sentences. There seems to be no time left for me or my relationship with my husband. I don't feel like I can balance it all. The demands of breastfeeding, playing with and disciplining a 9 and 4 year old. Dinner making. House cleaning. Trips to the doc and dentist. Puzzle putting together. At the end of the day, some days, I just want to cry. Then I feel guilty for not being blissfully happy 100% of the time.

Where did all this pressure come from? It feels like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions and all I want to do is get some rest. Sleep all day. Go 5 hours without someone needing something from me. I want to be selfish. Yes yes I know... I had 3 kids. What did I expect?

My point is ... my children and my life are wonderful but I still feel the way I described above. Honesty people! Parenting, working, life in general is not a bed of roses. Its hard. Sometimes you want to walk away, straight down 64 all the way to California.

Right now Claire is singing "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" in her most high pitched singing voice and while it's music to my ears, don't judge me because at times I'd rather be listening to the new Jack White album.

I will be a more patient mom. I will be loving and slow to anger... until Claire pitches a t-total fit over wearing perfectly appropriate, nothing in the world wrong with them, stylish old navy jeans. If it were up to her it would be dresses and skirts all day every day (with tiaras and pearls). Oh sweet Claire... how I love how uniquely quirky you are. Your fashion sense, your silly phrases, your big heart, but I do wish you weren't so hard headed.

So, today started with a fit, a sore throat, and ham and cheese crescent rolls. What will the rest of the day hold? VA paperwork for a Mental Health clinical that starts in January. Unless you're this guy...

This guys is gonna snooze, eat, and be irresistibly adorable all day.

Unrelated but totally cool. Below is the Hardee advent calender my mother in law gave me. I love this thing. Its been in the family since my husband was a child. I have mixed feelings about advent calenders since I'm usually 3 weeks behind schedule on all thing Christmas, but this one I love. The kids dig it too. Each day they get to hang another ornament on the tree. Thanks Grandmama.

Man I suck at blogging.

What a hard year this has been. I feel like I've been continuously kicked in the stomach since November 2011.

Ever met a man who would do anything for you? The shirt off his back? His last dime? Complete bathroom remodel when you simply asked to borrow his wall paper remover steamer?

Quiet but talkative? Simple but extraordinary? Loving but stern? ... I knew a man like that and I was lucky to have him in my life for a little over 5 years. It wasn't near long enough and I still can't make sense of it all.

Grief is definitely a process. For the most part I was in denial. I'm a nurse. I read the statistics. I heard Stage 4,  but I could not allow myself to believe that we would lose him. I mean, we needed him. Who would we call and talk to about mortgages, job changes, credit card debt, home repairs, kid raising, marriage mending? He knew a lot about everything and he was always willing to share what he'd learned over the years. Always willing to help us, to help anyone.

I prayed a lot this past year. Sometimes I'd pray everyday all day long. It would always be the same prayer. I would ask God to heal him, to take the cancer away, to allow us good news with the most recent CT scan.

My relationship with God took a hit. When my prayers would go unanswered I asked the selfish questions. Why God? Why him? Why now? It's taken me until now to realize that none of this will ever make sense. This situation will never be fair. All we can do is continue to pray for strength. Not answers. The only answer is that everyone who met him was touched by him and I am a far better person because I knew him.

I miss him. Some days I can't even say his name without tearing up. Claire misses him. She looks for reassurance that Pawpaw can see her. "Will he see me at my play momma?" "Can he hear me? I love you Pawpaw." (as she looks up at the sky)

 Everyday since he's been gone is a struggle.

I know he would not want us to be sad. I know he would want us to love each other and live the life he would have continued to live if given the chance.

 I believe that was the hardest part for him. Not the sickness, the pain, the swelling, the nausea and vomiting, the weakness, or the unknown. The hardest part was the thought that he wouldn't be able to see his kids and grand kids continue to grow and that we would all be heartbroken when he was gone, which we all are.

Our son, William- Mark Miles Hardee, was born 2 days after my father in law died. His sweet little face is the shining light during this dark time. God knew that we needed Miles. God knew that if it were time to call my father in law home we would need Miles to help us through.

Miles is a treasure just like his sisters. He reminds me of his Pawpaw. He's pleasant. Quiet and curious. He's taught me a lot about parenting in these past 2 months. One very important lesson learned is to change that diaper quick. My love just keeps on growing for this little guy and his sisters.

Losing my father in law makes me want to be a better person. I want to be someone he would be proud of. I want to cherish every precious, fleeting moment with my family. Especially when life gets crazy, when things aren't easy and everyday seems to have a huge rain cloud hanging overhead. So I'm working on that. Being positive, counting my blessings, and trying to be a little bit better of a person than I was the day before.

I've got a lot of work to do.

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for this guy and his never ending support. Kevin and I are trying to move forward in our plans to have a home that will accommodate my grandfather. This is so important to me because my grandfather has shown me nothing but unconditional love and support since the day I was born. I would love nothing more than to be able to help him in any way possible and I feel he would be such a positive influence on our girls. Anyone who knows me, knows that my Pawpaw is my world. I'm thankful that my loving husband understands this and supports and nurtures my relationship with him. Kev adores him too. We all do. Everybody who meets him adores him... He's perfect.

I'm also thankful for my glasses :)

I realize this may sound silly, but I took my glasses for granted until I lost them for almost 2 months. I had to have Ava read to me because I couldn't see a thing. It was sad. I particularly like this pair because they're durable and I often get compliments about how cute they are. These were only 129.00 and my insurance paid for all of it. One of the stones on the side fell out but Guess replaced the entire frame and I haven't had a problem since.

I'm also thankful for ...

This cooking set Misty gave me for my wedding. I absolutely love these pots and pans. They're so easy to clean and since my previous pots and pans were hand me downs and falling apart, having these is great. They're cuisinart and all stainless steel.

and I'm thankful I have a job.

It's not easy working every weekend and often times I'm overwhelmed with the 37 dementia and alzheimer patients I'm responsible for, but I love my job. I can't complain. This job allows me to have four days off a week with my girls. They are asleep while I'm at work except for about 6 hours of my 32 hour work week.

Hard work never hurt anyone. My grandpa worked in the sun until he was 72 years old and even went 53 days with no off day. I've never worked more than 7 consecutive days. I've got it pretty easy. :)

Bang On The Drum

This has been an exciting month for our family. God has answered our prayers and Kevin is now the newest employee at Memphis Drum Shop.

Prior to landing his dream job he was moving furniture and handling collections for a rent to own company in Memphis. The job he had was extremely stressful and physically demanding. Kevin has ankylosing spondylitis which is a long-term disease that causes inflammation of the joints between the spinal bones, and the joints between the spine and pelvis. It's very painful and the stress of his previous job exacerbated his condition. The job required 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Some days he would only be able to spend 15 minutes with our kids before they had to go off to bed. We were never able to eat dinner together as a family, Kevin was unable to commit to his band and practice, and the thought of church on Wednesday nights seemed completely unattainable. All that has changed now!

Kevin absolutely loves his new position. Our family eats dinner together every night. (which sometimes isn't all that great cause I'm the one cooking) :) The band is back in action and looking for a singer and Kevin is so thrilled to be doing what he loves.

The people he works for are down to earth and passionate about the work they do. Memphis Drum Shop has always been a treasure in our eyes. We had the pleasure of taking our engagement photos there last year and we absolutely loved how they turned out. If you've never been there, you should go! Even if you're not a musician the store is beautiful and truly a sight to see.

I want to thank our friends and family who prayed for Kevin about his new job. Without the love and support of you all, and the blessings of the Lord, we would be lost.

If ever anyone deserved to be in a position they love it's Kevin. He has been, and continues to be, such an amazing husband and father and I'm so thankful that he now has a job he loves...